The Vampire Diaries: Detoured on Some Random Backwoods Path to Hell Recap

Synopsis: Selene kidnaps the twinspawn as an offering to Cade, hoping that he’ll set her and her sister free in return for the twins’ lifetime of servitude. Damon has other plans.

I did not get nearly enough Caroline out of the episode that Julie Plec kept touting as ‘Candice King’s best episode of the series.’ Also, just because the actress plays a mother desperate to save her daughters doesn’t automatically translate into Oscar-worthy poignancy. It’s not working with Westworld, and it’s sure as heck not working here.

Picking up from last week, Selene stole Caroline and Ric’s twin girls. Her plan is hilariously underbaked, because it involves the nanny keeping the kiddos captive for at least a decade, grooming them to be Cade’s new soul-culling servants. Also, she gets foiled by cell phone Amber Alerts on the regular. It’s sloppy, and no amount of hilariously bad Siren humming to confuse humans will give me back the hours of my life I wasted on watching this show. 

Meanwhile, Ric and Caroline are freaking out about saving their kids. While Caroline goes all mama-bear and breaks off her engagement with Stefan until she knows her kids are safe, Ric gives us his best Liam Neeson and goes all Taken on the Siren’s melodic butt. 

Unsurprisingly, both maladaptive reactions have negative consequences! For one, Caroline effectively torches her relationship with Stefan a la Pirates of the Caribbean (more on that later) and Ric decides that Caroline is an unfit mother who has to be separated from his kids (which she ultimately agrees with).

Back in Bonnie and Enzo land, the couple start living their lives, blissfully disconnected from reality… Until Sybil decides to inflict some mind-torture on Enzo and lure Stefan to her location to make a deal.

When Stefan arrives, he and Damon agree to be Cade’s immortal servants, letting Selene and Sybil go free. But, just like on Animal Farm, some Sirens are more free than others, because while Sybil negotiated her release from hell and immortal youth, Selene is still condemned for all eternity, and is presumably now mortal.

Turns out Sybil has more nefarious plans, which will hopefully involve Elena. I say that because if I have to follow this show until its bitter end, I had better get some awkward onscreen time between former flames Somerhalder and Dobrev.

Besides ripping off the plot from Pirates of the Caribbean, Stefan and Caroline also kinda-sorta end their relationship. Which makes sense, because Orlando Bloom- er- Stefan has to be the Duchman’s – Devil’s servant except for his one last free day on land. Shoulda carried around a jar of dirt, amiright?