Heroes Reborn: Sundae, Bloody Sundae Recap

Synopsis of 5×09: Nathan taps into his powers; Carlos and Dearing go to camp; things get gnarly in an ice cream shop.

Rating: ?????

I am beaten. Heroes Reborn has defeated me.

I am no longer the man I once was. I no longer like doing the things I once adored. Colors have lost their luster. I can’t smell. Heroes Reborn has taken everything from me. At this point I wish only that Heroes Reborn might show up at my door on a rainy night with a loaded gun and finish the job.

In honor of my loss of mental status quo, let’s just do this already.

Erica

Erica pulled off the greatest piece of physical comedy in Heroes history with that deer kill. The moment she spotted it, I could only in my wildest dreams have wished that she would pull a gun out of a cabinet and shoot it. Because the Good Lord is a kind and generous God, I got my wish. Also because Erica is a real crazy person.

She drinks wine and quotes dead eugenicists to her cook with verbatim quotes from memory, speaking the date they were spoken aloud to rub it in everyone’s face.

Just leave me here to die.

Taylor

God, I forgot about all of these characters…

It’s Taylor’s warehouse and we’re all living in it. The Haitian’s alive again, which would have been a great surprise six years ago when the world held living humans that cared about this. The Haitian and his team (including a woman whose evolutionary gift is PowerPoint) are looking for Micah, the founding member of Hero Truther, an organization named from two random words the Heroes Reborn writers team had heard somewhere.

How can I continue on like this?

Noah & Quentin

Did Heroes Reborn come back from a daring pair of episodes centered around Noah only to barely utilize him at all in this week’s plot? YOU BETCHA IT DID.

Noah comes back to tell Tommy or Nathan or Whatever about everything we watched him forget last episode, which isn’t dumb at all. Quentin talks to Tommy or Nathan or Sanjay at a vending machine in a scene that would have been pretty okay in any other show. Quentin’s treachery we learned about three minutes of screen time ago is revealed, a few episodes before it could have been effective or used to any other end besides kidnap Tommy or Nathan or Ginger.

But we would never care.

Why would we care?

There is nothing left in this life to care about.

Luke & Mewlina (Mowlouna?)

Did Heroes Reborn celebrate its new road trip pairing with a scene where a character doesn’t understand how the radio works? YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP.

The action takes place mostly in Carbondale, Illinois in the first recorded use of that sentence in human history. The ice cream store from like six episodes ago is taken hostage by Joanne, who’s real mad. She kills Caspar. Oh no? Luke tells Joanne how he didn’t like killing a bunch of innocent people. Joanne is shocked by this. Shocked. Nathan discovers he can pause time and watch him wave his hand in front of someone’s face before moving the bullet from in front of his girlfriend because this is the worst show anyone has ever conceived.

It makes me wish I had never been conceived.

Carlos

Did Heroes Reborn keep hidden the face of a character it already revealed last episode whose voice we instantly recognize because he’s been on this show for five stupid years? YOU BET YOUR SILLY HAT IT DID. IT REALLY DID THAT. I CANNOT FATHOM WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF ANY DECISION ON THIS SHOW.

Carlos and Whatshisjacket break into Sunstone Manor using a serum that makes your blood test read off like you’re an Evo, even though that is literally the opposite of anything any of the characters in this universe would want to happen. Why did that guy just have that serum on him? Why did he have it on him? Why was it there?

Why

Was

It

There?

Turns out Sunstone is run by Matt Parkman, who is mentally manipulating everyone at the facility, letting their dreams unfold before them and creating their own realities for them to occupy. It’s actually pretty cool. I might have enjoyed it if I wasn’t actively contemplating smashing my computer while watching this episode. I will probably rip this plot off wholesale for a television show one day. You read it here first. Tim Kring, sue me. Do it. Please. I have so many questions for you.

First, Matt makes Thatotherguy choose how to kill himself and you’re like, “Oh man,” and then we see when it happens to Carlos that it’s all a hallucination and you’re like, “Oh man…”

I hate this show. I hate me for watching it.

Miko

After her heroic sacrifice inside a videogame, Miko has been teleported 7957 years into the future.

No amount of money is worth watching this.

None.

This episode of this dramatic television show was called “Sundae, Bloody Sundae.”

If you want to hear me talk about Heroes in its prime, check out my new podcast 9^th Blunders on 9th Blunders and 9th Blunders.